When I Think About The World, What Do I Really Think?

I have school tomorrow. Oh well.

It's a click past 1AM; I told myself I'd sleep an hour and a half ago, but now luv(sic) pt. 3 is playing and I'm partially illuminated in front of the computer screen in a dark room.

When I think about the world, what do I really think? This stream of consciousness will keep me honest. When I think about the world, I feel sadness. I think it'd be ignorant to literally only feel hope; it's admirable, but it lacks a certain compassion for what I know is avoidable—and yet so heartbreakingly inevitable. People suffer at the hands of other people, and those who cause suffering suffer from their own ailments. It hurts to no avail that I'm just one man, and even then, I don't do as much as I could do. Is sadness what God feels? Probably, but partially. It must be like how Jesus wept before raising Lazarus; if he knew that he was about to bring Lazarus back to life, what was the reason for the tears? Well—what else but complete compassion for everyone weeping around him? They were so ignorant to what was possible, but it doesn't make their emotions any less real. It wasn't supposed to be this way.

A miscarriage earlier this week that's slowly killing its mother. A friend moving away tomorrow. I don't cherish the things in my life enough that really matter. I need to seriously open my eyes--my good intentions aren't good enough. If they don't fill my cup and overflow into the environment to stain the world all around me, then I'm not doing enough. There should always be moments of reflection, but it should be in the midst of moments of action.

Why do churches talk with such lingo? Why do pastors keep correcting me on my doctrine because it's not in the appropriate jargon? Okay, so my speech can be fixed to be esoteric, but how in the world does that help the world (pun not intended)? What really is the point of doctrine if we were literally given two commandments, and they both stress "love"? Is it human hubris to need to know--enough that people will give entire lives to devote themselves to defining doctrine--but doesn't it keep them plenty distracted from the needy? But who am I to talk...

I'm always busy. So, so busy. But, my God, am I even doing anything