How To Be In A Relationship That's Worthwhile; or How I'm Learning To Be A Man V

I can't honestly claim to know what I'm doing.

My wife, Allison, and I married about 9 months ago, and so my experience is very limited—we haven't even hit our first anniversary yet. And I've been in several past relationships, but, obviously, they've all ended. So I just have a long line of failures.

But in the depths of my soul, from the very corners of my being to the rafters in my mind, I know that this is the one. I can't quite articulate it—I want to tell you about how literally everything she does is special, but to you, it's just another story about another person. But it's true in the greatest sense of the word for me. I guess all you can do is acknowledge that.

I mean, the other day, we were having pizza, and I sprinkled red pepper flakes on her slice, just a smidge more than she expected to be able to handle, and instead of saying, "That's enough!" or "Stop!" she just kept uttering, "Uh oh... uh oh!" It was beyond endearing.

But I needed to write this to disperse any notion that our emergence as a relationship was with any kind of fairytale ease. It was extremely difficult, but infinitely more rewarding, and I'd like to share it for the benefit of anyone who may in any way find my writing relative.

As a disclaimer, I do not pretend to know how all relationships work, and all I can give is my perspective of how everything has come to be as it is.

As expected, work on yourself first.

There's this horribly misleading notion that another person, the right person, will make you whole in all the best ways. Though it's true to some extent, a romance-induced expectation of this kind of egocentric thinking is simply not fair. If you love a person, actually love an individual, then their happiness is your goal, whether or not it serves you. The hope that a person will come to make your life better is self-serving at best, deceitful at worst.

In fact, what should be is the other way around, that if you are to love an individual, then they deserve your best, or at least your attempt at it.

My turn of epiphany came when I realized just how insecure I was. Talking to another man, admiring someone else's work, spending time on her craft—these were all things I coveted, and I realized through a lot of personal paradigm shifts that this wasn't her, it was me. When I learned to let go of my insecurities, I could work on parts of the relationship that actually involved mutual cooperation.

That leads us into the second point, praise the other.

I can't stress this one enough.

A prevalence of narcissistic culture undoubtedly affects our relationships today. A relationship does reflect the self in profound ways, but—myself included—we sometimes objectify our relationships as a medium to showcase how great we are, e.g. how caring we are, how sacrificing we are, how great of a boyfriend/husband we are, etc.

What I've recently realized is the almost life-changing dimension of praising the other. It accomplishes two main things. First, it forces you to shift the focus from you to the positive aspects of the relationship and, more importantly, the other. Research shows that thoughts literally affect the health of an individual. There's countless studies on the placebo and nocebo effects in medicinal science, but that isn't to say the symptoms and results aren't real; they really exist.

I don't suggest that you should incorporate empty and hollow compliments in order to get the real thing. What I'm saying is that everyone has something positive about them, and when you find it, a thing showered with love will always grow.

This is my second point: the person him/herself will become more desirable to you in a concrete way. Praise always leads to confidence, and they will inevitably become a better person through it.

Next, learn how to fight.

As two distinct individuals, there will be inevitable conflict. A lack of conflict could mean complete compatibility, or, more realistically, that the things that need to be discussed aren't being discussed.

When I was dating Allison, we moved to Korea together, and we lived in the same apartment building, worked in rooms right next to each other, ate every meal together, and traveled together. It was too sudden a change, and we were seeing too much of each other. We bickered constantly for over a month. When we moved back to our respective homes a year later, the same thing happened because we were now not seeing each other enough, and another month-long battle ensued.

What strikes me now is that if we had ended our relationship there, it would have been justified. We could've chalked it up to "just not working out," and no one would've disagreed because we were obviously driving each other crazy. I mean, there were constant arguments for weeks. But we stuck through it, and in both cases, we reached a mutual equilibrium. The arguments were essential; it was how we were able to construct the boundaries that we as individuals needed, as well as communicating our needs and preferences to the other.

But it does take two present individuals who come together with the common goal to build a healthy relationship.

For a quick read on an amazing sociologist, John Gottman (who can predict the success of a relationship in the first 3 minutes of conversation with 96% accuracy), check out this article on how to approach relationship conflicts.

Lastly, expect the best from each other.

This isn't to say that you should set lofty standards for the other and be conspicuously disappointed if he or she doesn't meet them.

It's more than that; it's about the belief that the person closest to and most intimate with you believes in you. It's about having the whole world turn on you and still knowing that the person who matters most is still cheering you on. It's about never settling because you know you're better than that because the other knows you're better than that.

Allison has never let me give up on anything. In anything I do, she believes I'll excel at it. In those dark moments when I don't expect that I'll succeed, she comforts me, but more than that, she believes for me.

Take a moment. Really think about this. Can you imagine how utterly amazing this is, that at the worst possible moments of your life, there is another entire individual who lifts you up and challenges you?

However, this also takes audacity and consistency in areas that just aren't the easiest. What I appreciate so much now but couldn't in the moment is how Allison never lets me put up a stonewall. She's never let me put up a barrier to sulk on my own like how I'm prone to do; she fights for our relationship to actively turn in a better direction during our conflicts. I'm so grateful for it now, but at the time, all I wanted to do was shut down all communication and inadvertently allow the relationship to suffer. And I recognize the courage it must take for her to speak into those moments when I'm threatening to be volatile, and I love her more for it.

As an afterthought, I'd also like to talk about knowing when to let go.

I feel that I can speak into this from my past failures.

Not too long ago, someone told me that even though two people may end up together, if the timing is wrong, then they're wrong for each other. Allison and I have often mused on our long friendship before we began dating, and we realized that our relationship wouldn't have worked at any other stage in our lives except the one in which it happened.

Prior to meeting her, I was devoutly self-centered. I would have emotionally abused her and, because I was somewhat good at rhetoric and she is her biggest self-critic, I would've convinced her that it was her fault. It would have been a disaster that would've left us riddled with scars.

There comes a point when you must realize that you might be doing all the right things, but the other person is simply unappreciative or even emotionally and psychologically abusive.

Take it from a person who wielded immaturity masked in rhetoric. You deserve better because you are worth a loving relationship. We, on the other hand, used you for an emotional crutch and a source of vanity. We tell you we love you because it achieves a desirable effect. But we'll use our words to keep you chained to us because you serve our deficiencies. Let go.

When I Think About The World, What Do I Really Think?

I have school tomorrow. Oh well.

It's a click past 1AM; I told myself I'd sleep an hour and a half ago, but now luv(sic) pt. 3 is playing and I'm partially illuminated in front of the computer screen in a dark room.

When I think about the world, what do I really think? This stream of consciousness will keep me honest. When I think about the world, I feel sadness. I think it'd be ignorant to literally only feel hope; it's admirable, but it lacks a certain compassion for what I know is avoidable—and yet so heartbreakingly inevitable. People suffer at the hands of other people, and those who cause suffering suffer from their own ailments. It hurts to no avail that I'm just one man, and even then, I don't do as much as I could do. Is sadness what God feels? Probably, but partially. It must be like how Jesus wept before raising Lazarus; if he knew that he was about to bring Lazarus back to life, what was the reason for the tears? Well—what else but complete compassion for everyone weeping around him? They were so ignorant to what was possible, but it doesn't make their emotions any less real. It wasn't supposed to be this way.

A miscarriage earlier this week that's slowly killing its mother. A friend moving away tomorrow. I don't cherish the things in my life enough that really matter. I need to seriously open my eyes--my good intentions aren't good enough. If they don't fill my cup and overflow into the environment to stain the world all around me, then I'm not doing enough. There should always be moments of reflection, but it should be in the midst of moments of action.

Why do churches talk with such lingo? Why do pastors keep correcting me on my doctrine because it's not in the appropriate jargon? Okay, so my speech can be fixed to be esoteric, but how in the world does that help the world (pun not intended)? What really is the point of doctrine if we were literally given two commandments, and they both stress "love"? Is it human hubris to need to know--enough that people will give entire lives to devote themselves to defining doctrine--but doesn't it keep them plenty distracted from the needy? But who am I to talk...

I'm always busy. So, so busy. But, my God, am I even doing anything