A moment

There's a lot of things I think I need to change for myself, and these considerations all come from a deep inner feeling than any rational thought.  Although I do rationalize the feeling, what really convinces me that I need to change comes from a dull and persistent thudding from my chest just above my stomach.

I think what really initializes it is that even though I try to be a good person, I know I'm not ideal.  And I like things to be ideal if it's in my power to make it so.  But I'm constantly reminded that I'm lacking, and it's also a fault of mine to want to excel in everything, and so I'm in this perpetual cycle of inspiration and disappointment that I can't seem to break out of because I just don't want to settle.

It's a painful reminder whenever I look out into the world, and I realize my life is drinking in what my eyes are seeing, when really my heart should be eating from the feast that God has prepared for me.  I think that's where this alien feeling of mine originates from the most- knowing that there's an outshining heaven, but infatuated by a vain world.